My Dearest General: It Has Always Been You

"What did you come here for? Xu Binchen suddenly asked when Lei Liqiu was drinking, almost causing the girl to choke on the water. 

She coughed, stammering out. "I—I\'m only here because Shi Nian told me that you\'re hospitalized." Sorry Shi Nian, she grimaced inwardly. Without using her as the reason, Lei Liqiu didn\'t know what else she should say. What did she come here for? Need it be asked? Of course that\'s because she wanted to see Xu Binchen again. However, that wasn\'t the words she could say to him face to face. "And also… I\'m here to deliver my gratitude. My mother told me...about you visiting her every week to give her an update. I\'m really grateful for that."

"It\'s fine." Again, that kind of impassive, nonchalant tone. "I\'m just doing my job. So you don\'t have to go out of your way to do this."

Lei Liqiu nodded slowly, her fists clenched. Job, he had always said that everything he had done was within the scope of his job. Just with that one word, a clear line was drawn between them, one that she couldn\'t refute nor pass through.

I am just fulfilling my responsibilities, that\'s what he meant to say.

Heaviness weighed down on Lei Liqiu\'s heart but she quickly shook them off. What was she expecting? She had seen this kind of treatment coming but she still braced herself to come here just to catch a look of him. Xu Binchen wasn\'t the kind of man who would warm up to anyone, she understood that perfectly. 

She stood up and put on a smile. "Well, I have to go now. It\'s good to see you doing okay. I will come again later. Please have a rest, Detective Xu."

The man\'s eyes followed her every movement up to when she reached the door.

"Lei Liqiu," he called out softly.

She froze in place but didn\'t turn around. No, to be exact, she didn\'t dare to because she knew precisely what he was going to say. Just as she expected, the next words that came out of his mouth was, "Don\'t come again."

She grabbed on the strap of her bag so tight that her knuckles turned white. No matter how much she prepared herself, hearing it directly still hurt, quite a lot. She hummed gently and forced her feet to move from that place.

Did she listen to him, though?

Of course not.

A few days later, she came again after work with a box of fruit yoghurt that a gastritis patient could eat safely. Xu Binchen scowled as soon as he saw her but she pretended to see nothing and gave the dessert to him.

Subsequently, she would visit every two or three days, bringing different foods everyday. At most, she would stay for less than ten minutes before leaving. Sometimes, Xu Binchen\'s colleagues would be there and she gradually learned their names; Wang Chengbing who disguised as Director Wang last time, Ru Meiqi, Ke Shao, Qin Weizhe and Jin Renguang whom she often saw on TV. But oftentimes, he would always be alone.

In total, Lei Liqiu visited ten times in the span of two months he was hospitalized. At first, Xu Binchen would show blatant dislike at her presence but as time passed, his reaction slowly turned dull.

That was also… a kind of improvement, right?

However that tiny bit of hope ended up being shattered when on a certain day, she visited yet again to find Xu Binchen already packing and ready to go. It had been so long since she last saw the man dressed in casual clothes. Except for his sharper jawline, he looked as handsome as ever. Lei Liqiu stood in the doorway and couldn\'t help staring at him. "Are you...going to be discharged today?"

Xu Binchen turned around and their eyes locked. He nodded. "I am just waiting for you."

Lei Liqiu didn\'t know why her heart thudded inside her chest. Not in a good way though. "But last time, I overheard the doctor say that you weren\'t allowed to work for at least the next three months. Why are you discharged now?" She let out an incredulous laugh. "It can\'t be because of me...right?"

Come on, tell her that she was too narcissistic, that she was too full of herself. Refute her sentence, deny it, anything.

But why did he say nothing...?

"Really…?" Lei Liqiu lowered her head, her lips quivering violently. Tears welled up in her eyes and she tried hard not to let her voice tremble. "If you don\'t want me to come again, then you should have just told me so. No need to go out of your way to…" Her words trailed off.

Right from the start, Xu Binchen had already told her not to come again but she was the one that was so stubborn, unwilling to give up and persistently trying to get close to him. In the end…she was the one who had pushed him this far. 

From the start to the end, he had never opened his heart, not even a sliver crack, for her to get in. Everything was just her baseless assumption. What improvement? It was just in her head. 

Lei Liqiu, why are you so stupid…?

A sigh escaped his lips. "Do you know what the suspension bridge effect is?" 

Hearing him, Lei Liqiu snapped her head up, a droplet of tears sliding down her cheek. However, the man continued mercilessly. "I was there in your darkest time, to accompany you and help you to get out of that place. And in the end, you mistook it as something more. Even if it\'s not me, you will still develop the same feeling for that person. Give it some time, Lei Liqiu, and you\'re going to realize that everything is just temporary."

Lei Liqiu clenched her jaws so hard that her gums ached. More than sadness, anger overtook her emotions. "Suspension bridge effect…?" She spat out through gritted teeth, her eyes blazing with fury amidst the tears. "I don\'t really understand that but… there\'s one thing I should say. That day, it\'s you who chose me out of everyone. You were also the one who accompanied me, protected me and saved me. The one who did it was you, so isn\'t it a bit far-fetched to say that I will fall in love with whoever it is?" 

Tears dropped pitter patter down her eyes and she wiped it roughly. The pent up frustration, anger and sadness morphed into one, making her unable to think straight. "It\'s my own feelings. I am the one who decides to like you, Detective Xu. So you don\'t have the right to tell me that everything is just the result of my own imagination!" After throwing that last sentence, Lei Liqiu was unable to endure staying there any longer. Turning around, she dashed out from the way she came from, not even realizing when she bypassed Shi Nian.

Xu Binchen only snapped out of it when the doorway was already empty. Before he could think, his feet had made their way forward and he almost crashed head on with Shi Nian outside the door.

The girl showed a bewildered look. "I just saw Sister Liqiu crying…" Finding Xu Binchen\'s grim expression, she sighed. "Did you say something hurtful again?"

He frowned deeply and in the end, decided against chasing after Lei Liqiu, sighing. "Am I that kind of person?"

Shi Nian returned with a disbelieving gaze as if she was awed by Xu Binchen\'s audacity to ask this kind of question. Patting his shoulder, she said. "Liking someone actually takes an enormous amount of courage, even more so to confess it out loud."

Xu Binchen scoffed. "What are you trying to say? This whole fiasco, didn\'t it start because of you?"

Shi Nian ignored the latter half of his sentence and continued, a smile on her lips. "What I mean is, love should be cherished, especially someone who loves you. Who knows… one day when you finally realize what her existence means to you, you will find that she has moved on and put you behind her. Don\'t waste your time with regrets, Binchen gege."

***

Lei Liqiu came home with reddened eyes. When Mother Lei asked her about it, she brushed it off with vague sentences, saying how she had some problems with work. 

Fine. If he thought that it was just some kind of stupid effect, then so be it. 

In the next few days, Lei Liqiu tried hard not to let her mind wander back to that day. It still hurt whenever she recalled the firm tone in his voice and the sincere way of his persuasion. But most of all, the thing that hurt the most was the way he talked so logically to define her feelings as if thinking that as long as her brain understood it, then her heart would also follow along. 

Since that day, there was no further contact between them. They returned to how it should be; strangers. Two perfect strangers who wouldn\'t even cross path if not for the bizarre case.

But there were a few messages from Shi Nian though. The girl had been sending a few messages everyday, the content of it didn\'t stray far from Xu Binchen.

[Shi Nian]: Are you okay? Did you two fight?

[Shi Nian]: You know how much of a blockhead he is, Sister Liqiu. Don\'t let his words get to you. Actually, he cares about you more than what you think.

[Shi Nian]: He ate all of the food you bought and didn\'t allow anyone to touch it. Remember one day when you\'re working late and bumped into me downstairs in the hospital lobby? In fact, I was just on my way to look for you. He asked me for that. 

[Shi Nian]: He has always been straightforward, blunt and never put on a filter on his words. But I discovered that with you, he\'s always careful of what to say.

[Shi Nian]: Sister Liqiu?

[Shi Nian]: Just make up with him, alright? Everyone can\'t endure being in the same space as him recently laugh.jpg you should see how foul his mood is

[Shi Nian]: sent a photo

Against her own will, Lei Liqiu clicked open the photo and saw Xu Binchen leaning on the windowsill with an ashtray full of cigarette butts beside him. The man had his eyes lowered, white smoke blurred his visage yet his irritation could be felt even through the screen. 

Lei Liqiu\'s heart throbbed and the conviction she vowed to herself started to waver again. Stupid Liqiu, since when did you become so weak? Just seeing his face was enough to make her miss him so much that she got the urge to cry.

She decided to turn off her phone for the time being, at least until she returned home otherwise she would keep taking the photo out again and again. 

The street was the one she had always taken everyday yet somehow, today it looked darker than usual.

Lei Liqiu lifted her head and knew the reason why. It turned out that the street lamp\'s lightbulbs were broken. She held the strap bag tighter and quickened her pace, her footsteps mingled with the sound of her rapid breathing and thumping heartbeats. The silent dusk and desolate path caused her hair to stand at the end. Maybe it was just her being paranoid, maybe everything was just her imagina—

"Ah!" Her shoulder was suddenly yanked from behind and before she knew it, her back had crashed against the wall, followed by a man\'s angry growl.

"Lei Liqiu!!!"

She snapped her head up, fear and anger shook her body. "You… Z—Zhu Zhenli!" 

It was her bastard scum of an ex boyfriend.