Novel Bin Chapter 380 - Lost Herself
"Hey Kaden, there’s an ice cream parlor there. Let’s have some..." She looked expectantly at the side profile of Xiamu who was focused on driving.
"Okay." He replied without sparing a glance towards her.
He checked the traffic before carefully parking the car at the side of the road. After alighting from the car, he waited patiently to let Azalea catch up with him before entering the ice-cream parlor. They took a side table and gave their order.
Kaden got busy with his phone while waiting, however, Azalea was left to stare at him awkwardly. She kept cracking her knuckles in anxiousness.
"Kaden, I have something to say to you."
Xiamu slightly raised his eyes to look back at her before saying, "Let’s eat our ice-cream first."
As he said that their order was served and Azalea had to nod in agreement. She silently ate her ice-cream but her eyes didn’t move away from his face. But even under her scrutinizing gaze, Xiamu was unfazed.
"Can we talk now?" Azalea asked after they were done.
But Xiamu paid the money and got up to leave saying, "We can talk some other day."
Azalea held his hand to stop him and with a complicated gaze, she asked, "You know, right? You know what I want to say and that’s why you’re avoiding me."
Xiamu looked at her before sighing and taking his seat. "I do. And that’s why I don’t want to hear it."
"Why?" she questioned incredulously.
"Because I don’t want to change what we are." He answered straightforwardly.
Azalea stayed silent for a moment before saying, "You’re still in love with Kim, right? That’s why you’re not ready. But I can understand that."
"That’s where you are wrong." Azalea was taken aback while he continued, "To be honest, I’ve never been happier in my life before. First of all, Kim and I were best friends before anything else. And even being in love with her meant that all I wanted was to see her happy." Taking a pause he added, "And right now, I can see Kim happy along with Qiao. That’s enough for me. Second of all, my love for Kim has nothing to do with my relationship with you."
"Then why are you rejecting me without even giving me a chance?" Azalea couldn’t hold back her tears as they fell slowly. "I know you never looked at me that way but you can try. After all, the greatest relationships always tend to start when you least expected them to. And these relationships can actually sweep you off your feet and challenge your every view. How will you know we are not suited until we try it?"
He passed a tissue to her and gave her time to control her emotions. "I have a single question for you. If you can answer it, I’ll give ’us’ a chance." Azalea looked at him earnestly. "Why do you love me? Or what is it in me that you really love? Can you give me an answer?"
"Of course, I can," Azalea said without even thinking. "From as long as I can remember, you had been there for me. Whenever someone tried to bully me, you’d always stand before me like a shield to protect me. You know me the best. I am always comfortable with you. You always made me feel secure."
He gave a bitter smile as he said, "Your answer is right there with you. Love had never been all about comfort or security. We had been neighbors and that was why I was always there when you needed me. Your feelings for me are more of a delusion than anything."
"No, you are wrong! I tried getting into relationships with other guys but it never worked. And I know you feel something for me even if it’s just a little bit otherwise why would you always pull me away from other guys." She denied stubbornly.
"Do you take me for a fool? I know very well that you got into those reckless relationships just to get my attention. If you took my protectiveness as my jealousy than I can’t do anything about that. But let me make one thing very clear to you, Azalea I have never felt anything for you. I love you but it’ll always be just like a brother."
"You can say that you don’t love me. But don’t question my feelings for you." She insisted.
Xiamu was exasperated. "Alright, I won’t. So, why don’t you tell me what is your life goal? Any aim that you want to achieve?"
"What does that have to do with our conversation?"
"Just answer me." He pressed on.
She pursed her lips and shook her head, "No, I don’t really have an aim as such."
Xiamu straightened up, "You are the person who saw death quite closely and yet you are here telling me that you don’t have a dream in life. Then tell me, as a person who doesn’t even love her own self, how can you claim that you love me? Love starts from oneself if you can’t even value yourself how can you expect to love anyone else?"
Azalea was stunned speechless. "Zelie, you have gotten a gold medal from Stanford School of Engineering and yet here you are telling me that you literally have no aim in life. That is not only degrading your degree but also yourself. Learn to love yourself first and then perhaps you’ll realize that what you feel for me is not love instead it is just a form of dependence."
His every word was like a sharp blade that slashed her heart but she felt numb. Even Xiamu knew that he was being harsh but he needed her to wake up from her dreams now. She was wasting her life running after him and he wouldn’t want that at any cost.
When you love someone, that love gives you courage and motivation to become the best of you. But Azalea’s love for him was only ruining her. Whether her feelings were really named love or just dependence, they both couldn’t be sure about that but one thing was sure; she had lost herself in pursuit of him.